The Art Of Letting You Go...
I've always been obsessed with the idea of love. I am one of those people who think its one of the most important things ever. I'm the type who day dreams of the most perfect and romantic things any girl could dream of. I haven't had a ton of relationships and most people wouldn't count the ones I have had because I was just a kid. So when HS rolled around I had gotten myself into a real relationship...little did I know what I was into. We lasted for almost 4 years and to a lot of you once you finish my post you will wonder why I even stayed for so long. But the truth is I didn't and still don't know much about relationships so I had nothing to compare too and nothing to look for because I assumed that what little effort he made and what little love I got was supposed to be enough for me. I didn't know I was supposed to be treated like a Queen. I've always heard the saying but I thought it probably was a little unrealistic so the smallest hint of affection I turned it into much more than it was. My story begins when I was a freshman. That's when I met him. Literally from my second week of HS all the way till my Junior year when I dropped out I had fought for this love that I thought I wanted and needed so badly. When we finally got a chance to try it again I swore it was going to be different. But the only difference was the fact that we would be living together. During this time that we lived together was in the beginning exciting and fun! I had a boy as my roommate who I loved and got to see everyday! I got to make dinner for him and show him all I was capable of. But things weren't perfect like I had portrayed to everyone around me. It wasn't everyday all of a sudden that it escalated it just happened over time and not all days were bad some days were perfect even at the end of our relationship...but I'm not there yet!
Anyways, Soon things escalated. He would start to call me names everyday...words like Fuck You, You talk to much, you're too sensitive, I was being a little girl, that I was slowly ruining our relationship. Things like I'm dumb, annoying, a bitch, a child. And tell me he wouldn't give a fuck about how I felt and how everything I went to him for was bullshit and I wasn't allowed to go to him with bullshit. (Sorry for all the cursing but they were his words not mine) Eventually after the verbal abusive got old I started fighting back saying mean things I didn't mean only because he did them to me! He just laughed knowing that I as a woman with no experience & was powerless no matter what I said. Eventually things got physical....a little push here, a shove there, snatching a phone out of my hand or throwing it across the room. Not letting me out of the room or pushing me on the bed or grabbing my arms hard. I tried a lot to fight back and be physical back which wasn't right but I didn't know what else to do. Eventually I figured out the more strength I used to fight back the more pain I would feel...the harder he would push or more force he would use. I was then scared to fight back knowing his force was ten times mine and I knew I was better off not fighting back and playing the helpless role because I knew it would make him feel like shit. Maybe it was wrong of me at the time but I was scared and had no idea how to defend myself. I'd have small bruises on my body knowing they came from him but lying saying we were playing around to rough or I hit the bed or even pretend I had no idea where they came from. All of this happening with people I loved just in the other room. I felt despite all the obvious signs that a man doesn't love you for some dumb reason I still loved him and thought he loved me. He would say all the things he did to me was my fault. So I was the one who apologized. He would say I was the one who brought this on myself because I took things too far. At first I started to believe what he said. Maybe thinking it really was me, But after awhile I decide to see if it was me and tried to not say anything mean, not be physical when he was physical not fight back just watch and see how far he would take it himself if I did nothing.. and that's when I saw it. That's when I started realizing he would continue to be physical even if I wasn't back. He started promising he would stop & started saying it wasn't right but yet continue to do it. My last straw was when we got into a fight one night. I was crying myself to sleep again while he was literally not even two inches away, back turned to me when I realized I couldn't keep living like this. I wasn't happy anymore. It was never gonna get better and he wasn't gonna stop. He went to work the next morning. I was still confused on exactly what I wanted to do but I knew something had to change. I talked to my mom and my bestfriend for some guidance and support still not telling them about the abuse but just stating I wasn't happy anymore. An hour or two went by when He came home. I was laying in bed praying to myself for God just to show me what I should do if I should continue or leave. God really showed me that day. When He got home there was no coming up to me asking how my day was or giving me a kiss hello. He went straight to undressing asking how I was then laying on the bed and turning on the Xbox. I'm not gonna lie I got really mad, so I expressed to him how I wanted to move back to Ga. He said that he knew but that obviously we couldn't. I then began to say that I knew he didn't want to be here if he is so unhappy and that he would like it better where he was before he came to live with me. In that brief moment he got up and smacked me across my face, not hard enough to leave a mark but hard enough where I could feel the sting for a moment afterwards and that's when it literally hit me. I knew I wasn't gonna take it anymore. He of course didn't say anything and just sat back down and started playing on the xbox again. I had no idea what to do all I knew from past physical encounters was that I couldn't instantly react. I had to pretend it didn't effect me and it was no big deal just so I could leave the room. Once I left I sat outside and he came out maybe 5-10 min later telling me that I needed to relax and chill out. I couldn't believe it. He smacked me yet I get no apology the only thing he could say was that I need to relax. I was so angry I just knew I had to pretend to be normal. He then proceeded to tell me he invited his friends over to hangout which made me angrier. He then left for a bit to go to the store and during that time I knew it was my only chance to talk to my mother and get out.
Later that night, the truth all came out! I told my family everything even though I was scared. My best friend then came and got me from Ga to FL and then back to Ga all in one night, and I've been living here with my mother since then! I know that it wasn't my fault now. Even after all of that happened because I was such in a habit of being around him and I felt like I missed him( let me tell you 4 years of your life with someone is not easy to forget) I let myself talk to him which then lead me to think I had made a mistake with all his mind control even over the phone...until my mother saw the signs again and brought me back down to earth and expressed to me more guidance and understanding and told me what I needed to hear to totally cut it off. Plus some other things happened that showed me how much better off I am now!
So I guess what I'm trying to say is letting go is not easy....gosh I am the queen of having a hard time letting go! For woman like me who have big hearts and just want to love and be loved and experience someone with a boom box outside your window whos asking for your undying love its not easy letting go of someone you wanted to show pure love too. Someone you wanted to show how much happiness and love is important and apart of life. That is why we have to be the most careful to who we decide to give that too! So I hope anyone and everyone who reads this has learned something from it or even inspired you maybe a little! I just felt like I needed to share my story even if no one reads it I know its out there and someone if in Gods plan will come across this and relate!
Anyways, Soon things escalated. He would start to call me names everyday...words like Fuck You, You talk to much, you're too sensitive, I was being a little girl, that I was slowly ruining our relationship. Things like I'm dumb, annoying, a bitch, a child. And tell me he wouldn't give a fuck about how I felt and how everything I went to him for was bullshit and I wasn't allowed to go to him with bullshit. (Sorry for all the cursing but they were his words not mine) Eventually after the verbal abusive got old I started fighting back saying mean things I didn't mean only because he did them to me! He just laughed knowing that I as a woman with no experience & was powerless no matter what I said. Eventually things got physical....a little push here, a shove there, snatching a phone out of my hand or throwing it across the room. Not letting me out of the room or pushing me on the bed or grabbing my arms hard. I tried a lot to fight back and be physical back which wasn't right but I didn't know what else to do. Eventually I figured out the more strength I used to fight back the more pain I would feel...the harder he would push or more force he would use. I was then scared to fight back knowing his force was ten times mine and I knew I was better off not fighting back and playing the helpless role because I knew it would make him feel like shit. Maybe it was wrong of me at the time but I was scared and had no idea how to defend myself. I'd have small bruises on my body knowing they came from him but lying saying we were playing around to rough or I hit the bed or even pretend I had no idea where they came from. All of this happening with people I loved just in the other room. I felt despite all the obvious signs that a man doesn't love you for some dumb reason I still loved him and thought he loved me. He would say all the things he did to me was my fault. So I was the one who apologized. He would say I was the one who brought this on myself because I took things too far. At first I started to believe what he said. Maybe thinking it really was me, But after awhile I decide to see if it was me and tried to not say anything mean, not be physical when he was physical not fight back just watch and see how far he would take it himself if I did nothing.. and that's when I saw it. That's when I started realizing he would continue to be physical even if I wasn't back. He started promising he would stop & started saying it wasn't right but yet continue to do it. My last straw was when we got into a fight one night. I was crying myself to sleep again while he was literally not even two inches away, back turned to me when I realized I couldn't keep living like this. I wasn't happy anymore. It was never gonna get better and he wasn't gonna stop. He went to work the next morning. I was still confused on exactly what I wanted to do but I knew something had to change. I talked to my mom and my bestfriend for some guidance and support still not telling them about the abuse but just stating I wasn't happy anymore. An hour or two went by when He came home. I was laying in bed praying to myself for God just to show me what I should do if I should continue or leave. God really showed me that day. When He got home there was no coming up to me asking how my day was or giving me a kiss hello. He went straight to undressing asking how I was then laying on the bed and turning on the Xbox. I'm not gonna lie I got really mad, so I expressed to him how I wanted to move back to Ga. He said that he knew but that obviously we couldn't. I then began to say that I knew he didn't want to be here if he is so unhappy and that he would like it better where he was before he came to live with me. In that brief moment he got up and smacked me across my face, not hard enough to leave a mark but hard enough where I could feel the sting for a moment afterwards and that's when it literally hit me. I knew I wasn't gonna take it anymore. He of course didn't say anything and just sat back down and started playing on the xbox again. I had no idea what to do all I knew from past physical encounters was that I couldn't instantly react. I had to pretend it didn't effect me and it was no big deal just so I could leave the room. Once I left I sat outside and he came out maybe 5-10 min later telling me that I needed to relax and chill out. I couldn't believe it. He smacked me yet I get no apology the only thing he could say was that I need to relax. I was so angry I just knew I had to pretend to be normal. He then proceeded to tell me he invited his friends over to hangout which made me angrier. He then left for a bit to go to the store and during that time I knew it was my only chance to talk to my mother and get out.
Later that night, the truth all came out! I told my family everything even though I was scared. My best friend then came and got me from Ga to FL and then back to Ga all in one night, and I've been living here with my mother since then! I know that it wasn't my fault now. Even after all of that happened because I was such in a habit of being around him and I felt like I missed him( let me tell you 4 years of your life with someone is not easy to forget) I let myself talk to him which then lead me to think I had made a mistake with all his mind control even over the phone...until my mother saw the signs again and brought me back down to earth and expressed to me more guidance and understanding and told me what I needed to hear to totally cut it off. Plus some other things happened that showed me how much better off I am now!
So I guess what I'm trying to say is letting go is not easy....gosh I am the queen of having a hard time letting go! For woman like me who have big hearts and just want to love and be loved and experience someone with a boom box outside your window whos asking for your undying love its not easy letting go of someone you wanted to show pure love too. Someone you wanted to show how much happiness and love is important and apart of life. That is why we have to be the most careful to who we decide to give that too! So I hope anyone and everyone who reads this has learned something from it or even inspired you maybe a little! I just felt like I needed to share my story even if no one reads it I know its out there and someone if in Gods plan will come across this and relate!
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